Be honest: is my blurb confusing?

@inkstainedmara OP

1mo ago

I've rewritten this back cover blurb maybe twenty times and I've gone blind to it. Be brutal: is it confusing? 'When Sarele Vasht, last of the Ember-Sworn, returns to the drowned city of Quenndar, she must broker peace between the Thornwake Conclave and the exiled House Maridyne before the Tide-Priest Olovan reignites the war that killed her brother Tomesh. But Lady Ferrith of the Greycloaks has her own designs, and the mercenary Kaelis Dunne knows a secret about the Sunken Crown that could unmake them all. With the Festival of Saltlight approaching and the Hollow King stirring beneath Quenndar, Sarele must choose between the vow she swore to the Ember-Sworn and the city she once called home. Some crowns are buried for a reason.'

11 comments

@emdash_emma1mo ago

It's confusing, and I can tell you the exact cause: I counted nine proper nouns before I knew what the book is about. Sarele, Ember-Sworn, Quenndar, Thornwake Conclave, House Maridyne, Olovan, Tomesh, Ferrith, Greycloaks, Kaelis, Sunken Crown, Saltlight, Hollow King. A blurb's job is to make me want the world, not memorize it. Pick the three names that matter (I'd guess Sarele, Quenndar, the Hollow King) and cut the rest.

@ananke_writes1mo ago

Adding the structural fix to Emma's count. A blurb wants character + want + obstacle + stakes. Yours has character (Sarele) and a flood of obstacles but no clear single want. Right now her goal is 'broker peace,' but then the last line implies the real story is about the Hollow King and the buried crown. Decide which book this is. If it's the crown, lead with the crown.

@inkstainedmaraOP1mo ago

This is the kick I needed. I think the honest answer is it's the crown book and I was hiding it because I'm precious about the peace-brokering plot. Going to demote the Conclave and Maridyne to a single phrase like 'two warring houses' and let Sarele, the crown, and the Hollow King carry it.

@foggy_chapters1mo ago

Concrete rewrite attempt so you have something to react to: 'Sarele Vasht swore a vow she has spent her life regretting. Now she has come home to Quenndar, the drowned city where her brother died, to stop a war between two ruined houses. But a mercenary's secret and a crown buried beneath the tide point to something older and worse, the Hollow King, who has been waiting for exactly this. Some crowns are buried for a reason.' Four names. Same story.

@inkstainedmaraOP1mo ago

Foggy, that rewrite is almost exactly the book and it hurts how much cleaner it reads. I'm keeping your structure and just swapping in the real specifics. The 'who has been waiting for exactly this' clause does more menace than my entire Tide-Priest sentence did.

@seaglass_stories1mo ago

Try the squint test: cover the proper nouns with your thumb and read what's left. 'When the last of an old order returns to a drowned city, she must broker peace between two factions before a priest reignites the war that killed her brother.' That sentence is clear and intriguing. The names are burying a perfectly good hook.

@verse_and_vice1mo ago

The prose itself is fine, even pretty. 'Drowned city,' 'Festival of Saltlight,' 'the Hollow King stirring beneath' are evocative. Your problem is purely density, not skill. So this is good news: you don't need to write better, you need to delete braver. I'd bet you can cut 40% of the nouns and the blurb gets stronger, not thinner.

@plotholes_anon1mo ago

Reader-confusion specifics, in order of when I got lost: 'Ember-Sworn' (no idea what that is, kept reading), fine until 'Thornwake Conclave AND exiled House Maridyne' (two new factions in one clause, lost the thread), totally adrift by 'Lady Ferrith of the Greycloaks' because now there are four powers and I don't know who to root against. The brother Tomesh is your one emotional anchor and he's a subordinate clause. Promote the grief.

@midnight_edits1mo ago

'Some crowns are buried for a reason' is your best line and it's stranded at the bottom doing nothing because the crown barely appears above it. If the Sunken Crown is the engine, the blurb should build to it. Move Kaelis's secret about the crown up and let that tagline actually pay off something the reader's been holding.

@the_synopsis_struggle1mo ago

One thing the others haven't flagged: 'Ember-Sworn' appears twice and you make the reader hold its meaning across the whole blurb before paying it off in 'the vow she swore to the Ember-Sworn.' That's a lot of working memory for a paragraph. If the vow is the emotional core, introduce it as a vow up front, not as a faction name we have to backfill.

@comma_kira1mo ago

Last micro-note once you've cut: watch the 'must choose between X and Y' formula in the third sentence. It's the most common fantasy-blurb cliche and it reads as generic even when the choice is real. After your trim, try stating the impossible choice as two concrete losses rather than the abstract 'vow vs. city,' so it stings instead of templating.